Customary Creatures

Last week Chris and I ventured out to the Old Spaghetti Factory for lunch. We were dazzled by the dessert menu’s headliner: “The Masterpiece Shake.” It was scrumptiously described as:

Featuring OREO cookie crumbles, sweet chocolate syrup and soft serve ice cream, all whipped together  3.75

I was initially pleased upon receiving the treat. It had a nicely formed whipped cream top, and was sprinkled with OREO dust. So far, so good.

That’s until I tried sipping my straw. Nothing came up. The straw kept jamming, and I was losing my patience.

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Let me take you back to the early to mid-90’s. I was young elementary school student primarily preoccupied with two things:

1. Wondering what sweet snacks mom packed in my lunch, and
2. Worrying if my clothes were cool

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Preface: Elementary Success

After the success of the last Kidz Korner, how can I not divulge more about the old elementary school days? Today I’ll share memories regarding one of the quintessential, pure gravy, experiences of K-6: The Book Fair!
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Preface: My Sugar Bias

I love sugar. Always have, always will. As I was once told by the middle-aged manager of a liquor store, upon asking for his sweetest wine, I’m “part of the Pepsi generation.” Apparently, as I grow older, and grumpier, I’ll transition to loving the driest of red wines!

As a child I had no ills about slamming a Mountain Dew before hitting the hay. Milk and cookies? Bah! I’ll have a Coke with those chocolate chip confections, ma’am!
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Fantasy vs. Reality

Being a kid was awesome. Not just for the cliché notion of being carefree, but for having a constantly developing, malleable concept of fantasy versus reality. Parents are certainly “common sense shepherds,” (not allowing their kids drop anvils or baby grands on the new baby, for example), but kids have to take it upon themselves to learn what later will be considered “common sense,” especially when they’re on their own, at the baby-sitter’s, etc.
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CALL YOUR LOVED ONES! CONTACT YOUR FAVORITE CALENDAR PUBLISHING COMPANY!

By the power invested in me I declare the month of August to be known, now and forever, as “Mac & Me Awareness Month.” 

The Story of “Mac & Me”

Five years after its theatrical release, the VHS of “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial” was set to hit store shelves in October of 1988. The hype for this video was huge. 

Enter McDonald’s (yes, the fast-food restaurant), who teams up with a handful of investors to create the “Mac and Me Joint Venture” production company. Not only are they going to take advantage of the upcoming “E.T” VHS release, they’re going make ANOTHER ALIEN MOVIE FULL OF BLATANT PRODUCT PLACEMENTS.
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Sponge Guy! (6-7 pm only)

I knew Chick-fil-A was a hotbed of chicken-related cuisine, but I didn’t know they were also hosts of family-friendly, live entertainment!

Taped up on the doors of the Avon, Indiana, location a few months back was a schedule of live events to be hosted at the location. It heavily advertised for “Magic with Daniel,” but also featured a prominent picture of SpongeBob SquarePants Sponge Guy! Wha?!

Not the Only Generic Children’s Character to Grace the Avon Chick-fil-A

Featured months earlier at the same location was Elmo “Everyone’s Favorite Red Furry Monster,” another rip-off of Sesame Street’s most popular character. The two characters just happen to share the same red, furry and monster-like traits.  

Unlike “Sponge Guy,” who looks exactly like SpongeBob SquarePants, “Everyone’s Favorite Red Furry Monster” was hilariously dissimilar and crappy in comparison to Elmo. I took a picture of this monster with my old phone, but unfortunately can’t locate a copy. I believe my pal Chris took a shot, though. Stay tuned, as I’ll post the photographic gem immediately if/once obtained! 

“Perpendicular Mop Critter” or “Right-Angled Absorbent Trousers” 

I can see getting away with “Everyone’s Red Furry Monster,” but “Sponge Guy” appears to be too blatant of a copycat to not get Chick-fil-A in legal trouble with Viacom/Nickelodeon. The likeness is too good, and there is the word “sponge” still in the name. I would have suggested names like ones mentioned above, and would have likely ditched the two big teeth and tie, as well. It looks exactly the same, c’mon!

Sic ‘em, boys!

Please, Chick-fil-A, pony up the cash for a corporate tie-in or two! 

Behold the Wonder!

Chris from Hadley’s Happenings has pulled through with the priceless shot to the right. 

Gaze into the lifeless stare of “Everyone’s Favorite Furry Red Monster” (I mistakenly called it “Everyone’s Favorite Red Furry Monster” yesterday, forgive me), a crappy Elmo knockoff with uncomfortably dilated eyes and a wide, sheepish grin.

Do you trust this creature to entertain and/or hug your innocent children while you relax, eating your chicken sandwich? I know I wouldn’t. 

Really, this monster looks like the love child of two Sesame Street Monsters: Telly and Elmo. Disturbing.

Make sure to check the infringing entertainment your local Chick-fil-A has to offer!

1994: Jim Carrey Was My Idol

As a kid growing up in the early-90’s I idolized Jim Carrey. You couldn’t beat “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” (1994), “Dumb and Dumber” (1994) and “The Mask” (1994). Especially “Dumb and Dumber,” which is easily my favorite comedy (narrowly beating out Steve Martin’s “The Jerk” [1979]). Okay, I’ll admit it. “Dumber and Dumber” just may be my favorite movie overall. I’m a sucker for comedies, and it’s writing, acting and humor are flawless.

Then Jim Carrey made “The Cable Guy” (1996), beginning a long string of mostly generic movies before becoming overly serious/growing his hair out.
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A Trip to Target

Whilst at Target last week I was going about my business, doing what most men in their mid-twenties do: I paid a visit to the toy aisle to see the latest offerings from NERF. What I saw was quite discouraging.

Where’s the Classic NERF?

There wasn’t a classic foam NERF football to be seen. You know what I’m talking about. That dirty football that was always in the baby-sitter’s backyard, a corner bit off by the neighborhood dog, soaked and puffy from being rained on fifty times.

Don’t remember what I’m talking about? Check out this classic NERF commerical:
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